Owning Up

I fucked up. Big Time. Throughout every blog when I wrote about the Big Kabort Argument, I've been pointing fingers left, right and centre...but the one person that I didn't consider was myself...I was too busy putting the blame on every single person involved...and finding shit excuses for my actions...and here I am, exactly the same place before the debacle. I want to start off by apologising.

To all those that have and still are racing for Kabort Motorsport. I have not been the "dream team principal", I have made huge mistakes and worst of all not learnt from them. I have put in the practice that I should have, I should have listened to the suggestions you sent. I should have had someone leading with me and most importantly of all....I should have quit the bullshit and lying. I should have owned up to my mistakes and learnt from them...but I didn't. I didn't realise the power of words. Looking back, reading through all the old posts, I realise how I could have ruined someone's reputation and made them feel incredibly shit. All the drivers involved were trying to help, they wanted the best for me, and all I did was shrug them off and telling them that everything was fine...even though they saw the problems incoming...They saw that Kabort Motorsport was a ticking time-bomb, but I just turned around. There are lines within previous posts (now updated) which I grimaced at that were so untrue that I could not believe that I had genuinely written. They were horrible, inaccurate and most importantly hurtful. I have exaggerated things which needed to be said very carefully. Back then, I thought that everything was OK, and that just seeing how everything went was alright. I may be a college student, but ELMS was/is every other WEEKEND - I even Wednesday afternoons off college...more than enough time to do sort both college work and Kabort Motorsport. I should have been more of a Team Principal than an entitled driver. Being a team principal requires a lot of responsibility - and that was the very thing that was lacking/missing.

I must also admit that I didn't take enough responsibility. The team complained that they didn't like the fact that everything was planned last second on race-day, yet I continued to shrug my shoulders....as if I didn't care. Writing and reading this blog makes me realise how many chances I got with this team, and how patient they were with me - and after all that happened, I'm really not surprised that they left...there's only a certain amount of bullshit you can take...and it's really interesting to finally have a mirror in front of me, and look at myself rather than pointing my finger out at every possible person which is what I have been doing all this time...and it feels oh so terrible to read the previous posts where I have slandered my entire team - the people who VOLUNTARILY drove for me, those who have spent so much time, effort and energy practicing...but I give them a bad service. All I cared about was my special little shop, and tagging everyone in completely unrelated and pointless messages. Even after the whole chaotic night - I was still not willing to change, I stayed in my rigid seat - blaming everyone, and not wiping the slate clean, instead, I dropped the slate, and caused even more damage than before. I want to once again apologise to everyone involved in Kabort Motorsport for my words and actions, and especially those I have offended and reputations I have ruined. Despite being "in the moment" or "flow" of writing, and with steam pouring out of my ears, the things I said and lied about, and also the things I didn't do were unacceptable. With a clear head, I can barely read what I have written, and feel incredibly bad for those included in the posts. Especially as they have done nothing wrong, and I would have most likely done the same - yet I ripped them to shame. Going forward, I will think much more carefully about the posts I make, and ensure that I am in a calm, neutral state. It may be a month or more before a post about a particular subject comes out - but that doesn't matter, it's not about the amount of reads you get...it's about what you do to the people inside them.

A shoddily written piece can be so much more hurtful than a nice one that was carefully thought out and published with peace and thought. - Robin